The Yaoi Fan Girl Virus
by SlightlySpacey
Summary: Haru seems to have come across a very peculiar disease... Complete!
1. What Happened to Haru?

Haru woke up feeling slightly off. He didn't feel sick, but he definitely felt different. Yet he couldn't figure out exactly _what_ was so different. Maybe it was just the fact that he was staying at Shigure's house… Yeah, that had to be it. Yesterday he had been invited to dinner with Tohru and the others. After the meal he had left to go back home at the Sohma house, but after two hours of wandering he somehow managed to wind up back on Shigure's front porch. So he spent the night on the living room couch. That was why he felt odd; he just wasn't used to sleeping on couches.

He yawned and rolled off the couch, and then crashed to the floor. He blinked and stared at the ceiling for a few moments before getting up and ambling to the kitchen, where Kyo and Yuki were already fighting.

Haru paused to look at the two boys for a moment, then decided their bickering was of no interested and plodded over to the fridge.

He did a double-take.

Had Kyo always been so… sexy? Haru was sure there was definitely something appealing about the cat today. His hair seemed shinier than usual as it efll slightly into his gorgeous eyes. Haru examined the square of Kyo's jaw, his cute, slightly upturned nose, his full lips, the flush of his face as she shouted with that purring voice of his, those strong, broad shoulders, his toned arms and well-defined chest that Haru could see from his halfway-buttoned shirt…

"What are _you_ looking at?"

"Say what?"

Kyo glared at the younger boy. "You were staring at me!"

"Eh, was I?" asked Haru, slightly dazed. There was something he definitely liked about the way Kyo stared at him so intensely. Haru cocked his head to the side and wondered what it would be like to run one hand through that orange hair while slowly caressing the rest of the cat's body, watching his eyes soften, then finally close as he moaned in pleasure as Haru stroked—

"Stop it!"

"What?"

"Stop acting so weird!" Kyo shouted. "Why won't you stop staring at me?"

"Because you're hot," Haru stated matter-of-factly.

Yuki's jaw dropped, and Kyo screeched "WHAT THE _HELL_?!?"

"And you have a nice ass," Haru added.

SLAP!

Haru blinked and rubbed the spot where Kyo had just smacked him. And suddenly, an evil grin spread across his face.

"You have no idea what that just did to me, kitten," Haru said seductively.

Kyo stepped back in horror and Yuki muttered, "I think you just turned him Black."

"No, he just turned me on," Haru corrected.

Kyo shrieked and sprinted out of the kitchen, leaving behind a confused Yuki and a very disturbing Haru.

"That's it," Yuki sighed. "I'm calling Hatori."


	2. Diagnosis

The first thing Hatori noticed as he got out of his car in Shigure's driveway was the absence of noise. Usually when he came here, the first thing he noticed was the sound of fighting between Yuki and Kyo. Today, however, there was complete silence. It made him slightly uneasy. The fact that Haru seemed to have come down with some kind of strange disease that Yuki refused to identify over the phone didn't ease his nerves.

He let himself in the house without bothering to knock, and was immediately greeted by Tohru.

"Hi Hatori!" she practically squealed. "I made some rice balls, well, I'm actually making them right now, and I'm not quite finished, so I'm sorry I don't have anything for you to eat right now, but they're almost done, and there's some tea left, but there's not very much, I'm really sorry about that, I didn't know until less than five minutes ago that you were coming and I didn't have time to prepare…"

Typical Tohru. Some things never change.

"That's all right," Hatori said with a gentle smile. "I'll just check on Haru, and then be on my way."

"Are you sure?" Tohru asked, "You can stay for lunch if you want, but that's still a few hours away, but I'd hate for you to come for such a little while and then leave and be going through so much trouble…"

Hatori sighed. "Well, let me see what's wrong with Haru first, and then we'll see."

"Okay!" Tohru exclaimed, a huge smile spreading across her face. Hatori couldn't help but smile slightly as well.

"So where is Haru?"

"Um… He's in the living room."

"And how is he feeling?"

Tohru glanced over her shoulder towards the general direction of the living room. "I'm not quite sure, actually. I don't think he's gone Black, but he's acting very strange…"

"Strange how?" Hatori asked. "Yuki told me he was sick."

"Well, he's definitely different…"

"Different?"

"Well…" Tohru led him to the living room where the rest of the family was, and paused in the doorway.

"He seems to have fallen for Kyo," Tohru sighed.

Hatori's eyes widened at the sight before him. Haru was lying on the floor, resting his chin on his folded hands, and gazing at Kyo with what looked like pure lust in his eyes. Kyo was crouched in the corner clutching a cattle prod. Neither of them seemed to have noticed Hatori enter the room.

"You know, Kyo, I actually find that cattle prod extremely kinky," Haru purred.

"WHAT?" Kyo screeched, scooting farther into the corner while brandishing his weapon. "How the hell is a cattle prod kinky? Stay away from me, you creep!"

"The more you fight, kitten, the more it turns me on."

"Hmm, cattle prods…" Shigure mused from the corner opposite Kyo, in the spot farthest away from Haru as possible. "I wonder how I could incorporate that into my next book…"

Yuki snorted in disgust, also keeping a safe distance from the cow.

Hatori cleared his throat.

"SAVE ME!" Kyo screamed at the doctor.

"Oh, hey Hatori," said Haru, looking up away from Kyo. "Those pants look really nice on you; they really bring out your hot figure." 

"Thank y—Wait, what?"

"Actually, Haru seems to have fallen for all guys in general," Tohru whispered. "Just Kyo in particular."

"I see…"

"Because Kyo is definitely the sexiest of all the men here, obviously," Haru said.

"Hey!" said Shigure indignantly.

"Seriously, just check out Kyo's body, Hatori," Haru said, ignoring the dog.

"No thanks," Hatori replied tersely. "Haru, have you hit your head recently?"

"No…"

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just asking," Hatori said, then sighed. "How long has he been acting like this?"

"Since this morning," Yuki told him. "Everything was completely normal until he suddenly went gay on us."

"I see…" Hatori said, although he was completely bewildered. "So…"

There was an awkward silence.

"I guess I'll have to do some research, then," Hatori decided.

"You're leaving, Hari?" Shigure asked sadly.

"No, I'm going to use your computer, idiot," Hatori said.

"Oh!" Shigure exclaimed. "I'll help!"

"Yeah, me too," said Yuki hastily, eager to get away from Haru.

"DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" Kyo screamed.

"You have your cattle prod, stupid cat," Yuki said. "Use it."

"BUT HE'S GOING TO RAPE ME!"

"No I won't," Haru said.

"You won't?" Kyo asked hopefully.

"It can't be called rape, because you'll be enjoying it as much as I will."

Kyo screamed in despair as the three other men left the room, leaving only him, Tohru, and a very perverted Haru.

"Well, that was interesting," Shigure commented as he closed the door behind him.

"Yes, it was…" Hatori mused, still wondering what could have possibly come over the black and white haired boy.

The other two men let the doctor think in silence as he began searching the internet for any information that could possibly lead to an answer to Haru's ailment.

"You know, I've always wondered why they call it Google," Shigure said suddenly.

"What?"

"Gooooooogle!" Shigure said with delight. "Google google google google!"

"Shut up…" Yuki growled.

"But it's so fun!" Shigure squealed. "Poor google, nothing rhymes with it, it must be so sad… Wait, BUGLE! Googles of bugles! Googles and googles of bu-"

There was a slap, and Shigure was silent.

"I think Kyo's finally stopped screaming," Shigure said after a few minutes.

There was another scream.

"Never mind."

"That one sounded like Tohru," Yuki said worriedly.

"Why would Tohru be screaming?" Shigure asked.

"I'm not sure…" Yuki said. "But I really don't want to go back there with Haru acting like that…"

"Yes, I quite understand," Shigure admitted, "Although I was quite flattered when he told me he thought my rear end was-"

"The YFGV."

"Eh?" asked Shigure and Yuki in unison.

"The YFGV," Hatori repeated.

"What's that?"

"It's what Haru has."

"What is it?"

"The YFGV," Hatori said again.

"Yes, we know that, Hari, but what does it mean?" Shigure asked.

"It means that we have trouble."

"Will you just tell us already and stop playing around?" Yuki asked in frustration.

"It stands for the 'Yaoi Fan Girl Virus.'"

Shigure and Yuki blinked, so Hatori continued.

"It is a strange and rare disease that only men can get, obviously," Hatori explained. "Usually one is infected when he passes by a group of excited yaoi fan girls. It causes him to become strongly attracted to other men, and to have a strong urge to… well, have sex with them. Usually they single out one man, which would be Kyo in Haru's case. It also causes the infected person to become slightly aggressive, so in a way it will be as if it is Black Haru we're dealing with."

Shigure giggled, and Yuki couldn't help but grin at the trouble Kyo was about to get into.

"It tends to get worse as time progresses, and it can last anywhere from three our four days to a month…"

"A MONTH?" Yuki shrieked.

"It gets worse."

"What could be any worse than having a gay and horny Black Haru for a month?" Yuki demanded.

Hatori sighed. "It's contagious."


	3. Poor Kyo

As soon as Hatori, Shigure, and Yuki left the room, Haru pounced on Kyo.

Literally.

"AARRGHHH GET OF ME!!" Kyo screamed as he attempted to wriggle his way out of Haru's grasp.

"Mmm, the way you move is so sexy, kitten," Haru moaned.

"WHAT THE _HELL_?! HATORI COME BACK!!!"

"Nu-uh, kitty, it's just you an me here, all alone…"

"TOHRU'S STLIL HERE! GET OFF ME!"

"Hmm, well, you do have a point there, kitty," Haru admitted, "Then again, there's something exciting about having an audience…"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

Tohru, meanwhile, was shaking from head to toe and turning as red as a tomato as she watched the scene unfold. On one hand, she wanted to help Kyo, but on the other hand, she didn't want to get anywhere near Haru. She was surprised that Kyo hadn't tried punching Haru yet, which would be the easiest way to get out of the current situation. Then again, she supposed it would be difficult for Kyo to throw an adequate punch with Haru suckling on his neck…

Wait, but what about Kyo's…

"Kyo, use your cattle prod!" Tohru shouted.

"My wha- Oh yeah!" Kyo cried in relief. "Wait, how the hell do I use this thing? Gah, stupid technology… HARU GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY PANTS!"

"But they look so uncomfortable…"

"AND YOU'RE NOT HELPING! GOD DAMNIT, YOU PIECE OF JUNK, WHY WON'T YOU DO YOUR JOB?"

"Well, I am trying, but-"

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CATTLE PROD, YOU PERVERT!"

"Mm, now were you really?"

Kyo finally had enough of the cattle prod, and resorted to whacking it over Haru's head. The cow, dazed, let go of Kyo for a second, who took this opportunity to speed out of the room and out of the house.

At least, he would have, had he not crashed into Tohru first.

_POOF!_

"Aw shit…"

Lo and behold, there was Kyo covered in orange fur in his cat form.

"If it makes you feel any better, you're still sexy with that tail."

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! Tohru, can you open the door for me? I can't reach… Tohru? TOHRU!"

Tohru had fainted.

"DAMNIT, I'M STUCK!"

"And you're naked," Haru added with a maniacal grin.

Kyo's eyes widened as realization hit him. Haru was exactly right; he was completely naked, and would sooner or later turn back into his human form…

"SHIT!"

Haru sighed and plopped down onto the couch. "Well, I'm definitely not having sex with a cat, even if it is really you, so I guess we'll just have to wait… Why are you running into the door?"

In his desperation, Kyo was attempting to break down the door by running into it repeatedly, hoping it might collapse.

"You know, you're going to give yourself some serious head injury doing that."

"SHUT UP! Ow, my head…" Yet Kyo refused to quit.

Haru got up and went over to the cat to restrain him from injuring himself.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"But I don't want you to hurt yourself…"

Kyo hissed and leaped up onto the top of the six-foot tall bookshelf.

"What are you doing all the way up there?" Haru asked, looking up at the cat.

"STAYING AWAY FROM YOU!"

"Awww, that's not very nice…"

Kyo hissed again, but remained firmly in his position.

"You know, I can still reach you from there…"

"Kyo, what are you doing all the way up there?" Tohru asked.

"TOHRU, YOU'RE AWAKE!"

"Eh? Was I asleep?"

"You fainted. Open the door and let me out! But make sure this creep doesn't try to fo-"

_POOF!_

There was a burst of orange smoke, and Kyo transformed back into his human form.

"GODAMNIT, WHY DID I—AARGH!"

Although as a cat Kyo was able to balance quite easily on top of the bookshelf, as a human, that was not as easy as a task. Unable to hold his weight, the bookshelf suddenly toppled over, Kyo tumbling along with it.

Tohru screamed as she watched Kyo fall and covered her eyes. Kyo, too surprised to realize what was happening, landed painfully on his back.

Haru's eyes widened at the view of a very naked Kyo sprawled out on the floor. He felt his throat go dry as Kyo massaged his shoulder that had collided painfully with the ground and groaned.

It was too much for Haru to bear. With a flash, he had Kyo pinned firmly to the ground and was kissing him so fiercely it was almost violent.

Kyo's eyes widened as he realized what exactly was happening to him.

_Oh, dear god, this can't actually be happening, there is no way that Haru is actually kissing me… Shit, it's actually happening, I'm being kissed by a GUY! Ew, ew, ew, this is sick! Ew!_

And then, quite suddenly, he felt… different. It was as if something had entered his brain and changed his perspective on the entire world… Especially Haru.

_Damn, Haru's hot!_


	4. We're All Going to Die

"It's… _contagious_?"

"Yes, that is what the website says," said Hatori.

Poor Yuki's heart was beating so hard it was a miracle it didn't suddenly pop out of his chest and start dancing across the table. He opened his mouth to speak again, but this time all that came out was a strangled squeak that sounded oddly like a mouse being stepped on.

"Yuki, it _is_ healthy to breathe every now and then," Shigure commented.

Yuki gasped several times, which caused him to come down with a violent coughing fit.

"So, Hatori, how exactly does this YF-what's-its'-face spread?" Shigure asked, patting Yuki on the back.

"Hmm…" Hatori muttered, quick eyes scanning the monitor as he scrolled across the website. "It appears that the only way it is guaranteed to spread is through kissing, which means that there is a very high chance that Kyo will come down with this illness very soon…"

Shigure giggled wildly, and Yuki's coughs became even more violent.

"Well, good!" Shigure said once he managed to stop chuckling, "That means that there's no way any of us could get it, right?"

"Eh… No."

Yuki squeaked again.

"No?"

"The virus has been known to affect people that have been anywhere within a fifty yard radius of an infected person," Hatori said. "However, this is completely random. Someone could spend all their time with a person affected with the YFGV and no become infected himself, while someone could pass by once and become infected instantly. There is also a variety in the time it takes for one to become infected. It can show up in half a minute, or it can take several days for symptoms to show."

Shigure gulped. "So for all we know every single one of us could be infected right now and not know it…"

"Correct."

Yuki's face was deathly white, and his entire frame was trembling.

"You seems rather unconcerned, Hari," Shigure noted.

Hatori shrugged. "I'm a doctor. I'm used to this sort of thing."

"And exactly how credible is this website?" Shigure asked, frowning at the monitor.

"It's perfectly legitimate."

"But how do you _know_?"

"I'm a doctor. I'm cool like that."

Shigure sighed in defeat.

"So unless there are any more questions, I'll be on my way," Hatori said.

"You're leaving?" Shigure asked.

"Obviously," Hatori said, "I'll go see if I can figure out if there's some kind of vaccine for this, because the website didn't mention any antidotes, and I'm sure neither of you would exactly appreciate having to deal with Haru like this for what could be an entire month."

"Ah, Hatori, you're wonderful!" Shigure cried.

"Of course I am," Hatori said, "I'll just drop by the living room to get a blood sample from Haru, and then I'll be going. You wouldn't happen to have any duct tape, would you?"

"Eh… why?"

"To strap him down. I'd rather not be molested by a horny teenage boy while trying to take a blood sample."

"Ah, of course!" Shigure said. "I think I actually have some in my office here… But it seems to have misplaced itself. You haven't seen it lately, have you, Yuki? Yuki? Yuki, are you all right?"

Hatori and Shigure turned to look at the rat, who was sweating profusely and turning an odd shade of blue.

"Yuuuuuuki, hello?" Shigure asked. "What's wrong?"

Yuki stammered something inaudible.

"What was that?"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Hatori and Shigure both jumped back in surprise at Yuki's sudden outburst, which resulted in both of them tripping over their own feet and crashing to the ground.

"Actually, Yuki," Shigure said once he clambered back to his feet. "We're not. So chillax, okay?"

"Chillax?" Hatori asked.

"Chillax, yo."

Hatori shook his head. "You're impossible."

"WE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGO-"

"Hey, I found the duct tape!" Shigure exclaimed.

"Er… Why is it neon orange?" Hatori asked.

"Because I _love_ orange!"

"WE'REGOINGTODIEHOLYFUCKINGSHITWE'REGOINGTO-"

Yuki was cut off suddenly when a strip of orange duct tape was plastered over his mouth.

"You know, Shigure," Hatori admitted. "Even though I'm often ashamed to know you, you really are quite brilliant at times."

"But of course!"

"Mmph!"

"No, Yuki, we're not going to take that off unless you promise to shut up."

Yuki glared at the dog and folded his arms angrily.

"Don't look at me like that," Shigure said. "We still need you to help us restrain Haru from raping us."

"And Kyo."

"Unless he already did," Shigure pointed out. "Actually, no, it would definitely be much louder if they were having sex right now, so my guess is Kyo is still a virgin. Unless he already lost it to Tohru!" He gasped. "Oh, my goodness, our poor innocent flower, surrounded by all these perverted men…"

Hatori and Yuki rolled their eyes and followed the still babbling dog out of the office.

The three of them entered the living room again, expecting the scene to be mostly similar to how they left it. However, what they saw caused Hatori's jaw to drop open from sheer disbelief, Shigure's eyes to widen in a mix of horror and delight, and Yuki to faint.

There, right smack dab in the middle of the room, were Haru and Kyo (Tohru had apparently fled the scene) locked in a passionate embrace. And Kyo was naked. And Haru's shirt was hanging on the ceiling fan. And they were on the coffee table.

"Well," Hatori managed to choke out. "I guess Kyo's been infected. Which was expected, I suppose, but- Shigure, what are you doing?"

"I'm taking notes!" Shigure exclaimed excitedly, his pen scribbling madly across the notebook that had appeared out of thin air. "Usually I wouldn't write this sort of thing, but after witnessing it live I can't believe I've neglected this subject for so long!"

Hatori blinked several times, dearly hoping he hadn't heard correctly.

"Whoa, where did they come from?"

Hatori and Shigure both looked away from the notebook to stare at the two boys on the coffee table, who were both staring at the newcomers.

"Like what you see?" Haru asked with a grin. "I would ask one of you to join for a threesome, but right now I think I want Kyo to myself. Maybe later, then."

And then the two started making out again.

"Could… could you… not?" Hatori asked weakly. When the other two boys showed no signs of hearing him, he raised his voice. "Could you _please_ leave?"

The two stopped again and took a long look at Hatori, who suddenly felt very self-conscious.

"Bedroom," Kyo said firmly.

"Yes, I think a little privacy would be appreciated at this moment."

And then Haru picked Kyo up off the coffee table and carried him out of the room. Hatori and Shigure hastily jumped out of the way for the two boys, who were still connected at the lips. The sound of footsteps could be heard going up the stairs, followed by the slam of a door and the crashing of two bodies colliding with the bed.

"Dear God," Hatori groaned, rubbing his eyes. "I can't believe I just had the misfortune to witness that."

"Misfortune?" Shigure asked incredulously. "But look at this!" He proudly displayed three full pages of notes, "You can't believe the inspiration this just gave me! This book could be a best-seller! I still can't believe I've only stuck to male-female romances until now! What was I possibly think- Hari, why are you banging your head against the wall?"

Hatori groaned and rubbed the red spot on his forehead.

"Hatori, are you all right? Would you like some tea?"

There was a loud moan from upstairs.

"Hell no," Hatori said, and with that, he swept out of the house and into the car, where he sped back to the safety of the Sohma estate.


	5. Operation Blood Sample

"Hari, you're back!" Shigure cried.

Hatori sighed and stepped out of the way before Shigure could glomp him.

"You weren't supposed to move!" Shigure complained from his new position on the ground.

"It's too early in the day, Shigure," Hatori said, dusting off his sleeve. "And I don't feel like being tackled already."

"Already?" Shigure asked excitedly. "Does that mean you're planning on allowing me to tackle you later?"

"_No_."

Shigure sighed sadly. "So why did you come then?"

"I still need that blood sample from Haru or Kyo," Hatori said grudgingly. "Actually, both would be preferable, because it would make creating a vaccine much easier. But I'll decide if I really need both samples _after_ trying to get one from just one of them."

"Eh… why?" Shigure asked. When Hatori simple glared at him in response, he exclaimed, "Oh! Because it would be practically impossible to get a blood sample from someone who desperately wants to fuck you?"

"Bluntly put, but, yes, that is pretty much the reason."

Shigure beamed with pride.

"And I would appreciate it if you help me," Hatori added.

"But what do _I_ get in return?" Shigure demanded.

Hatori groaned and glared at the roof of the porch. "And why do you think you need something in return?"

"I just do," Shigure said rather childishly.

Hatori sighed. "You don't have to worry about getting infected by the disease, because I'll have a vaccine for it."

"Not good enough," Shigure said. "Besides, that won't matter once I'm infected, if I get infected anyway, because I won't know the difference, will I? I might actually enjoy it!"

Hatori slowly counted to ten in his head, trying not to feel too disturbed. It was just Shigure being his usual perverted self after all…

"And it'll help me with this new story I'm writing!" Shigure added happily, whipping out his notebook for Hatori to see. "If I get infected, I'll be able to write in even more explicit detail, because I'll actually be experiencing everything instead of just witnessing it (although I still have yet to see Haru and Kyo actually having sex, though I have heard it), and it'll be so erotic and hot and steamy and completely mind-bogglin-"

"All right!" Hatori shouted. "Fine! I… I'll let you"-wince-"drive."

Shigure's eyes nearly popped out of his head with excitement. "Even though I've never driven before, and don't have a license?"

Hatori was already beginning to regret this. "Yes."

Shigure squealed in delight and tackled Hatori, who barely avoided toppling over.

"Thank you, Hari!" Shigure cried, jumping up and down. "I'm so excited, I've never driven before, ooooh this is going to be so much fun, I ca-"

"But you have to help me get those blood samples," Hatori said. "And you actually have to do a good job, or no behind the wheel for you."

Shigure gasped. "You're right! Let's go!"

Hatori sighed and followed Shigure into the house, who was skipping with excitement.

"Wait!" Shigure stopped walking suddenly, causing Hatori to plow right into him.

"What?" Hatori asked, rubbing his forehead.

"We can't do this without a proper UNIFORM!"

"… What?"

"Hang on, and don't move!" Shigure cried, and bolted upstairs. Shigure heard loud crashes coming from his room, and wondered what the stupid dog could possibly be up to now.

"Ha- Hatori?"

Hatori turned and found Yuki poking his head into the hallway from the kitchen.

"Hello Yuki," Hatori answered. "Um… What's with the mask?"

Yuki fingered the white mask covering his mouth and nose. "You said that the virus spread by kissing, right? So I'm trying to prevent that."

"Ah… okay." After closer inspection, Hatori noticed that Yuki also appeared to be armed with Kyo's cattle prod, a taser beam, and a baseball bat.

"Paranoid much?"

Yuki bit his lip and suddenly looked like he was about to cry.

"Yuki?"

Before Hatori could fully realize what was happening, the rat had burst into tears and collapsed to the floor.

"IT'S GOING TO GET ME!" Yuki wailed between sobs.

"Um… Yuki?"

"Hey, sexy."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Yuki screeched.

Kyo had appeared out of nowhere right next to Hatori, and was grinning with a maniacal grin as he casually leaned against the wall. Hatori backed away cautiously, but Kyo's attention was focused on Yuki.

"Awww, but why?" Kyo asked. "I'm bored, and I know you want some."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Stop playing hard to get, I know you think I'm damn sexy."

"NO I DON'T! GO AWAY!"

Kyo just grinned even wider and stepped closer to Yuki, who stumbled backwards and brandished his baseball bat.

"I must admit, that's kind of a lame sex toy."

"IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE, STUPID CAT!"

"Hey, don't take it so personally. I can teach you absolutely everything you need to know about-"

"SHUT UP! GO- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Kyo had apparently gotten tired of talking and suddenly pounced on Yuki and shoved him against a wall. He ignored Yuki's kicked and screaming as he attempted to pry off the mask Yuki still wore.

"NONONONONONONO_NO_!"

"Oh yes-"

"KYO, HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME?!?!"

Yuki was suddenly freed from his bonds as Haru came charging from the doorway and tackled Kyo to the ground.

"You're supposed to want to fuck _me_, damnit, not him!" Haru roared.

"Aw, come on, what's wrong with a little variet-" Kyo was suddenly cut off as Haru began assaulting his lips, to which Kyo responded eagerly.

Hatori, who was still waiting for Shigure to come back, started to feel sick as both of the boys' shirts were thrown across the room and Haru began working on the zipper of Kyo's pants.

"But Haruuuu," Kyo whined. "I want Yuki too!"

"Later."

"Pleeeeeeease?"

"No."

"But we've never tried a threesome before! It'll be fun."

Haru paused to consider this, and slowly a grin spread across his face. Both boys rounded on Yuki, who fainted.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

Hatori blinked. This cry obviously hadn't come from Yuki because he was out cold, and it hadn't come from either Haru or Kyo. But then who-?

A giant black blob suddenly flew past Hatori and tackled Haru to the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM?" Kyo screamed. When the man in black straddled Haru, Kyo screamed again. "HEY, THAT'S MINE, DAMNIT!" When the black-clad man did nothing, Kyo attacked him.

There was a brief scuffle between Kyo and the man in black that involved several snazzy karate kicks. Before long, however, Kyo had been handcuffed to one of the cabinets.

Haru, meanwhile, seemed even more confused than he usually was in his normal state. First he stared at the ceiling, then got up, promptly fell back over, got up, walked into a wall, fell down, and started to moo. Hatori blinked, then focused his attention back on Kyo and the man in black.

"God damnit, I can't believe- IS THAT A NEEDLE?" Kyo screamed. "THAT BETTER NOT- OW!"

The man in black calmly walked away from the still screaming Kyo, the still mooing Haru, and stopped in front of Hatori, who grinned.

"Nice one, Shigure."

Shigure beamed, clad in a homemade ninja outfit, complete with mask and plastic sword. He presented Hatori with two syringes, each containing a sample of blood.

"How did I do?"

"Wonderful," Hatori said, examining the blood samples. "Though I'm pretty sure ninjas don't do battle cries like you did."

Shigure sighed. "Well, I was bound to get something wrong. But weren't you impressed by my mad ninja fighting skills? And how I deceptively got the blood from both of them?"

"Yes, I am very impressed," Hatori admitted. "But what did you do to Haru?"

Haru mooed again, tripped over Yuki (who was still out cold), and broke down the door.

"I gave him cow tranquilizer!" Shigure said happily. "I needed him to be distracted while I got Kyo's sample. Clever, no?"

Hatori couldn't help but grin. "You know, at times like these, I am very proud to call myself your friend."

Shigure bowed.


	6. Hugs and Ambushes

Tohru sighed and rubbed her eyes in exhaustion. It had been yet another tiring day at work, but finally it had come to an end. It was almost midnight, and she still had to do the laundry… She sighed again and opened the front door of Shigure's house…

Only to be bonked in the face with a frying pan.

"Ahh!" She fell backwards onto the porch and blinked in confusion at the frying pan hanging it midair. What was going on? There was no one there… So how did that thing just whack her in the face all by itself?

She cautiously stood up to examine the weapon, and noticed a complicated array of wires attaching the frying pan to the door… Which meant someone had taken the time to rig the frying pan to whack anyone in the face who was trying to get inside… But why?

Tohru shook her head, wondering if she had fallen asleep on the way home and was having a peculiar dream, and stepped inside and proceeded up the stairs.

And then a bucket of freezing cold water dumped itself on her head.

"Yaaa!" She screamed and covered her head with her arms, but it was too late; she was soaked to the bone. Her teeth began to chatter and she shivered uncontrollably. With shaking hands she managed to wring out a bit of water out of her hair. As she did so, she noticed a thin trip wire on the ground that she had tread on, which had activated yet another booby trap that caused a giant bucket of wire suspended from the ceiling to dump itself on the head of whoever had activated the trap.

Feeling more confused than ever, Tohru slowly continued on her way to the bedroom, making sure not to be ambushed by any more booby traps. She successfully stepped over another trip wire, dodged a wildly swinging baseball bat, and made her way around a hole in the floor covered up by a rug that would have sent her tumbling into the kitchen. With a sigh of relief, she opened the door to her room.

There, she was greeted by the most horrifying sight she had ever seen in her entire life.

Haru and Kyo, both naked, were firmly connected at the lips practically welded together as their bodies seemed to pulse together on her own bed. Her jaw dropped open as she saw their hands roam across each others' bodies and heard their loud and sensual moans fill the entire room.

"Oh my _god, _Kyo, I love it when you move like that…" Haru, who was on top, moaned into Kyo's neck.

Kyo moaned louder and threw his head back in sheer ecstasy. "Ah! Yes! Fuck me harder, Haru! Harder!"

That was a little too much for Tohru, who screamed and bolted out of the room as fast as she could. Not watching where she was going, she tripped over her own feet and fell down the stairs, and landed at the bottom in a crumpled heap.

"Miss… Miss Honda?"

Tohru looked up and saw a bewildered Yuki looking at her with wide eyes.

"Yu- Yuki?"

"Are you all right? Why are you all wet?"

Tohru opened her mouth to speak, but only a strange gurgling sound came out.

"Did something happen to you?" Yuki asked.

Tohru opened her mouth several times, resembling a drowning fish, and finally blurted out, "I was attacked by a frying pan, and then a bucket of water dumped itself on me, and then I went to my room and I saw… I saw…"

"…"

"HARU AND KYO ARE HAVING SEX IN MY BEDROOM!"

Yuki squeaked.

"Say what?" Shigure asked excitedly, poking his head in the hallway. "Did you just say Haru and Kyo are having sex in your bedroom, Tohru?"

Tohru could only nod in response, and Shigure squealed in delight. "Wonderful! I'm in desperate need of more notes for my next novel!" And then he bounded up the stairs.

There was a rather loud crash from what Tohru figured was Shigure falling through the trapdoor and into the kitchen. Her guess was confirmed when Shigure entered the same hallway again from the kitchen.

"Yuki, I really don't think all those booby traps are necessary," Shigure scolded.

Yuki glared at the dog. "You'd be paranoid too if that stupid cat kept on trying to fuck you ever two minutes."

"Ahh, that was you?" Tohru asked.

"Er, yes," Yuki muttered. "I'm very sorry about the frying pan, I'm just trying to protect myself, you see."

"It'll take more than a frying pan to stop Kyo from having sex with you, Yuki," Shigure pointed out on his way of the stairs again, this time more careful to avoid another ambush.

Yuki paled and collapsed to the ground, resting his head on his knees.

"Ah, Yuki, are you feeling alright?" Tohru asked, kneeling down next to the rat.

"No…" Yuki groaned. "I'm going to get infected, I just know it, I just know it!"

"But you can't give up!" Tohru cried. "It's okay, Yuki, I'll help you! I don't want you to get infected either! I'll help!"

There was a loud moan from upstairs, and Yuki burst into tears.

"Oh, no, Yuki, it'll be okay!" Tohru cried, and in her desperate effort to comfort her friend she hugged him tightly.

_POOF!_

"I AM SO SORRY!" Tohru wailed, banging her head against the wall. "I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! I COMPLETELY FORGOT! I'M SO SORRY!!!"

Yuki sighed. "It's all right, Miss Honda, I understand. It's probably better for me to be in this form, actually, because then that stupid cat won't be able to… do anything… to me. Although I'll just have to be careful when I change back, because I won't be… er… wearing anything…"

"And that'll definitely be a sigh I'm looking forward to seeing."

Yuki screamed and Tohru gasped and closed her eyes. Kyo was standing at the foot of the stairs, completely naked and covered in sweat. It really was quite the sight, although neither Yuki nor Tohru could appreciate Kyo's hotness at the moment.

"I thought you were having sex with Haru!" Yuki said.

"KYO, DAMNIT, GET BACK HERE, I WASN'T FINISHED WITH YOU YET!"

"Yeah, I was," Kyo admitted, running a hand through his hair.

"KYO, HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?!"

"I'm just surprised Haru isn't coming down himself yet…" Tohru said, staring firmly at a spot on the ceiling.

"That's because I handcuffed him to your bed," Kyo explained.

"Ehh?" Tohru squeaked. "Wh- why?"

"It's kinky."

"Yeah, but you're not supposed to leave him after you handcuff him to the bed," Yuki snarled.

Kyo shrugged. "I wasn't planning to, but then I heard an explosion so I figured you had transformed, so I came down to wait for you to change back so I could fuck you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

"But… Kyo?" Tohru asked, trying to protect Yuki from a terrible fate. "Why… why can't you just have Haru? I mean, why do you want… ah… to… Why is Yuki so special?"

"Because he's damn sexy, that's why."

"KYO, I HEARD THAT! AND DAMNIT, SHIGURE, WILL YOU QUIT JUST SITTING THERE? EITHER LEAVE OR FUCK ME, BUT DON'T JUST SIT THERE, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!"

"Yuki, hurry up and change back already, I'm getting antsy," Kyo complained.

"GO AWAY!"

"KYO, COME BACK!"

"Yeah, listen to Haru!" Yuki said.

"No, I don't think so."

_CRASH!_

Everyone jumped at the sudden noise, wondering where it could have come from. Their question was answered when a naked Haru with broken handcuffs on his wrists charged down the stairs and tackled Kyo to the ground.

"DAMNIT, KYO! WHY DO YOU KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME?" Haru roared, and then proceeded to violently make out with Kyo.

Tohru and Yuki slowly backed away from the couple, who looked like they were about to start having sex any second.

"Hm… Sex in a hallway, that doesn't look very comfortable," Shigure said to no one in particular from the stairs, still writing down notes.

"Hey Haru, what about that threesome I mentioned a while ago?" Kyo gasped as Haru assaulted the cat's nipples.

"What about it?" Haru groaned as Kyo's hands traveled between his legs.

"Can we try? With Yuki? Pleeease?"

Haru pulled back for a second and thoughtfully considered the subject. Variety was good, yes, and Yuki was indeed hot…

"Sure, sounds good."

"Yay!"

"I'M STILL A RAT!"

"Damn…"

_POOF!_

"NO! GET OFF OF ME!"

Haru and Kyo had both suddenly pounced on the now human (and naked) Yuki and were determinedly attempting to take his virginity.

"GET AWAY! STOP! NO! AWAY WITH YOU! NOOOO!!! AHHH GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THERE! DON'T TOUCH THAT! GAH! GET AWAY! HEEELPPPP, SOMEBODY!"

Shigure was leaning against the wall, waiting patiently for Yuki to stop struggling to he could resume taking notes. Tohru meanwhile was trembling from head to toe. She had just promised to protect Yuki from infection, and so far she was failing miserably. But what could she possibly do? There was no way she could fight off both Haru and Kyo, but what could she do to stop…?

Suddenly, the answer dawned on her, and she felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

With a fierce battle cry, she sprinted towards the three naked boys (and trying desperately to ignore the fact), and spread her arms wide to embrace Yuki and turn him back into a rat.

Unfortunately, she missed and hugged Kyo instead.

_POOF!_

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Kyo screamed, now in his feline form, quite unable to have sex with anyone at the moment, and obviously upset by the fact.

"Sorry!" Tohru cried.

Haru, who was distracted by Kyo's transformation, accidentally let go of Yuki for a moment, who managed to wriggle his way out of Haru's grasp, and was now dashing madly away from the two other boys. Haru blinked, and then chased after Yuki at full speed.

And so the wild goose chase between Haru and Yuki began.

_Damn! _Yuki thought angrily. _What do I do now? There's no way I can escape Haru, or Kyo once he changes back. And I can't escape this house because I'm not even wearing anything! And even if I was, they would just chase me across the city anyway! I'm screwed, there's just no denying it, I am completely screwed!_

_Damn! _Haru thought happily. _Yuki's so hot when he runs like that! The way his body moves and everything… I can see why Kyo wants to fuck him so much… But that's still no excuse for him running away from me like that! That's just mean! And I was all sexed up too! I really do hope he transforms back soon and helps me tackle Yuki, so we can have our fun with him… I wonder why Yuki's being so stubborn…_

Kyo was feeling very left out at the moment, and curled up into a ball and sulked in a corner.

Tohru meanwhile was frantically thinking of what to do. There was no way she could catch up to either of the boys running around the house, but she didn't want to try to step in their way, because they would run right into her, and although that would cause them to change into their zodiac form, she would probably be hurt pretty badly from that force…

_But I promised to help Yuki! _Tohru thought. _And a promise is a promise! I will help him with all my might, and nothing's going to stop me! Nothing! So I'm going to figure out a way to hug Yuki and change him into a rat so Haru and Kyo can't do anything to him!_

The best way to stop Yuki so she could hug him was probably to trip him, like how Haru had once tripped Kyo the first time she met him. But she would have to be quick to do that before Haru could catch up…

Tohru went back to the entryway where the frying pan was still hanging in midair, and carefully undid one of the longer wires she would use to trip Yuki. Once she finished, she tied one end to end of a doorway, then waited for Yuki to pass by so she could trip him.

It didn't take long. Within less than half a minute, Yuki came sprinting towards the doorway at full speed, closely followed by Haru. Tohru's face turned beet red at the sight of their exposed bodies, and stared at the floor. Then, just as Yuki was about to pass through the doorway, she tightened the wire.

_CRASH!_

"Ow!"

Now was her chance! Without a second thought, she jumped on top of Yuki, who was sprawled on the ground, and hugged him tightly.

_POOF!_

"Aww…" Haru groaned in disappointment. "I almost had him!"

Yuki was sobbing in relief. "Tha- thank you!"

Tohru hugged the little rat, promising not to let go until Haru and Kyo recovered from their illness.

_POOF!_

Haru turned to see Kyo getting up from the ground in his human form.

"It looks like Yuki won't be available," Haru informed Kyo. And then he tackled him.

"Do you two really have to do that here?" Yuki asked, looking away from his two cousins who were passionately kissing again.

The two other boys only responded by moving up the stairs, still firmly connected at the lips, and went back into Tohru's room to finish their pleasure making.

Shigure sighed sadly. "Yuki, although I am somewhat happy that you haven't been infected, I was really looking forward to that threesome…"


	7. Doctor's Out

Shigure sighed in contentment and leaned back into his chair, examining the completed rough draft of his new novel. After taking six full notebooks worth of notes on Haru and Kyo's intimate relationship, he had finally sat down at written a four hundred plus page story on it. It would definitely embarrass Haru to no end, cause Kyo to beat the dog to a bloody pulp, and force his editor to commit suicide. It was perfect!

The ringing of the phone brought him out of his reverie, and he leaned over the desk to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Shigure," came Hatori's voice. "I need you to come over here, lock me in my room, bolt the doors shut, and board over all the windows. Now."

"Okay!" Shigure said happily, and was about to hang up the phone to follow through with his friend's request when a thought suddenly came to him. "Um… Why?"

"…"

"Hari? Are you still there?"

"It got me."

"Eh?"

"The virus."

"Oh. How do you know?"

"I think it should be pretty obvious to anyone that there's some sort of problem when you suddenly have a strong urge to rip of a certain rabbit's clothes and ravish him on the spot."

"Say what?"

"I ALMOST RAPED MOMIJI!"

Shigure processes this information for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"DAMNIT, SHIGURE, IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"Yes… it… is!" Shigure gasped between tears of mirth.

"HE'S ELEVEN EFFING YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME, AND HE'S A GUY!" Hatori screamed into the phone. "That's just wrong!"

Shigure just laughed even harder, much to Hatori's displeasure.

"If you don't shut up right now," Hatori hissed into the phone. "I will come over to your house right now and shove that phone down your throat while beating you on the head with your computer." Suddenly the tone of his voice changed. "And then I'll rip off all your clothes and run my hands over your smooth, sleek body…"

Shigure choked and burst into a coughing fit. Although he had to admit, he was quite flattered that someone would say that sort of thing about him, even if it was a guy.

"DAMNIT! WHY AM I SAYING THESE THINGS?! I AM DEFINITELY NOT GAY! DAMNIT!"

"You seem to be putting up much more resistance than Haru and Kyo to this disease, Hari," Shigure commented.

"Disappointed?"

"Well, maybe," Shigure said thoughtfully. "But if you need to relieve some sexual tension, feel free to come over to my place."

"Are you offering to let me take your virtue?"

"Well, technically no, because I lost my virtue fifteen years ago."

"That would mean you had sex when you were twelve."

"Ah, you're right. I meant to say fourteen years."

"You're sick, you know that?"

Shigure giggled, and Hatori groaned. _I can't believe I actually talk to this freak. But still, he is incredibly hot… DAMNIT! STUPID VIRUS!_

"Hari, what was that loud banging sound I just heard?"

Hatori groaned and rubbed his forehead, which had just collided painfully with the table.

"Like I said, Hari, feel free to come here if you need anything."

"Does that mean you want to be infected too?"

"Not necessarily," Shigure said. "But I'm sure Haru and Kyo can keep you busy for many many joyous hours."

The line went dead.

"Hari?"

"What's up?"

"Huh? I thought you just hung up on me."

"It's me, idiot."

Shigure turned around and found Yuki glaring at him from the doorway.

"Ah, Yuki!" Shigure greeted, hanging up the phone. "How was the student council meeting?"

Yuki shrugged. "Uneventful. What's wrong with Hatori?"

"He…" Shigure was about to tell Yuki that his friend had just turned gay, but then he decided it would be much more interesting to surprise the rat. So he said instead, "He's coming over here to examine Haru and Kyo."

"Oh, good," Yuki said, and plopped down on a cushion and picked up one of Shigure's novels. He looked at a page for ten seconds, then chucked it at the opposite side of the room in disgust. "I can't believe you actually write that stuff. It's almost as bad as what Haru and Kyo are probably doing in the shower right now."

Shigure grinned and tapped his computer. "Oh, trust me, what I have here is much, much worse than everything Haru and Kyo have ever done in the shower, on the kitchen table, and in the closet combined."

Yuki's eyes widened. "You didn't… actually… write about that, did you?"

"I most certainly did."

Yuki groaned. "Dear god…"

The doorbell rang. 

"That was fast," Shigure commented. "Care to get that, Yuki?"

Yuki glared at the dog and went to go open the door for Hatori. Shigure grinned and silently followed, keeping a safe distance.

"Hello Hator- eh?"

Shigure almost burst out laughing again at Hatori's appearance. The normally clean-cut and well-groomed doctor was lacking his usual vest and tie, and his white shirt was wrinkled and unbuttoned, revealing a well-toned chest. His hair was pointing in every direction, and there was a slightly crazed look in his eyes. He was breathing rather heavily, as if mentally restraining himself from something. While Shigure knew exactly what Hatori was restraining himself from, poor Yuki didn't have a clue.

"Ha- Hatori?" squeaked Yuki.

Hatori was silent for a moment, and then he pounced on Yuki.

"WHAT THE HELL!" Yuki screamed as he was shoved against the wall.

Hatori stopped, then immediately jumped away from Yuki as if he were on fire and started pounding his head against the wall.

"DAMN IT! FUCKING VIRUS! DAMN IT ALL!"

Yuki took one look at the doctor, then rounded on Shigure.

"You said he was here to look at Haru and Kyo!" Yuki accused.

"Well, yes, I did," Shigure said. "It's not my fault you misinterpreted what I meant by 'examining them.'"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE GOT INFECTED?!"

"I wanted it to be a surprise!"

"Shigure?" Hatori asked, pausing to look at the dog.

"Hi Hari!" Shigure said cheerfully. "Haru and Kyo are upst-"

THUMP!

"You know, Hari, you really could have picked a better spot to ravish me," Shigure noted as the doctor shoved him on top of the keyboard, which resulted in several error messages popping on the screen.

Hatori showed no signs of stopping, and Shigure felt slightly awkward as he felt Hatori start to harden against him. "Did I mention that Haru and Kyo are both upstairs and would be eager for you to joi-"

"Shut up," Hatori growled in a husky voice, rubbing his hands across Shigure's chest and suckling on his neck.

Shigure sighed, then flipped Hatori onto the ground and straddled him while pinning his arms above his head. Hatori stared up at Shigure with lust clouded eyes and disheveled hair swept across his handsome face, and Shigure had to admit that the woman who married Hatori would be very lucky indeed.

"Now, Hari," Shigure whispered in Hatori's ear. Hatori shivered at Shigure's cool breath, and arched his back slightly when smooth lips pressed again the skin under his ear. "I want you to keep very still for me and close your eyes. Will you do that for me?"

Hatori nodded and obediently closed his eyes. He felt Shigure move off him and waited patiently for him to return. Finally he felt Shigure's warmth again and sighed in contentment.

And then there was a sound that sounded oddly like… ripping duct tape?

Hatori opened his eyes just in time to see Shigure firmly taping Hatori's wrists together with bright orange duct tape.

"What's that for?" Hatori asked curiously.

Shigure added one more piece of tape before getting up. "Well, I needed to restrain you somehow to take you up to Haru and Kyo, and since those two are using all the handcuffs I own, I've been forced to use duct tape." And then he seized Hatori by the ankles and dragged him out of the room.

"Wait – Hey!" Hatori protested as Shigure moved to the stairs. Hatori's head collided painfully with each step of the stairs as he was dragged helplessly along by Shigure.

Finally Shigure reached the bathroom door to reveal the two boys in the shower, Kyo pressed against the wall, his legs wrapped around Haru's waist, both kissing feverishly as steam rolled off their pulsing bodies.

Shigure had to admit it really was quite the sight, and was tempted to grab the video camera to tape it and possibly give it to Ayame to add to his porn collection. But he had a job to do first.

"Oy!" Shigure shouted over the noise of the running water and the even louder noise of the boys' moans. "Hatori's here to join you two!"

The two teenagers showed no signs of hearing him, so Shigure roughly pulled Hatori to his feet and shoved him head first into the shower.

Haru and Kyo paused for a moment to inspect Hatori, who was slowly becoming drenched, water soaking through his white shirt and illuminating his fine body.

And then Hatori's clothes were thrown across the room (and hit Shigure in the face), and Hatori was the one being pressed against the wall as Haru and Kyo began their work on him.

Shigure grinned and gently set his video camera on the edge of the sink, carefully aiming it at the three horny men. Then, once that was set up, he sat on the ground and whipped out his notebook and pen and began scribbling notes. He was going to have to make some major additions to his novel.


	8. Shigure's In Trouble

Kagura waltzed happily to Shigure's house, eager as always to see her beloved Kyo. She hummed to herself, wondering what she could force Kyo into doing today. Maybe the two of them could go on a romantic trip to… Actually, there weren't many romantic places they could go to in one day. Either way, she was determined to enjoy her day with Kyo as much as possible, and make sure he enjoyed it too.

She knocked lightly on the door and waited patiently for someone to answer it. After over a minute and no sign of anyone coming, she shrugged and let herself in.

"Helloooooo!" she called. No one answered. She blinked, wondering if the four residents of the house had perhaps left on a trip or something. But she probably would have heard about something like that from Tohru… Maybe they had just been out grocery shopping? But no, it was unlikely that all four of them would go shopping together.

A noise from the kitchen distracted her, and she ambled over to see who was there. The kitchen door was open, and she stepped inside, then turned beet red and covered her eyes.

Haru was rummaging in the fridge, apparently unaware that Kagura was in the same room as him, and also happened to be stark naked.

"Ha- Haru?" Kagura asked, peeking through her fingers for a moment, hoping that the scene had changed in the last few seconds. It hadn't. Haru looked up at Kagura with a bored expression on his face and closed the refrigerator door, holding a bottle of whipped cream.

"Hello Kagura," Haru said politely.

Kagura only managed to whimper in response.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"N… no!" Kagura squeaked. "I was just wondering… what…?"

Haru stared blankly at her.

"Never mind," she sighed, deciding she really didn't want to know.

"Oh, okay," Haru said, then strolled past her, shaking the whipped cream bottle as he went. As he came closer, Kagura noticed that he was drenched in sweat, and that there were strange red marks covering his entire body. She blushed wildly and closed her eyes again.

_What in the world is up with Haru? _she wondered. Keeping a safe distance away from the white haired boy, she walked after him. Haru started going up the stairs, and she was about to follow him when another voice interrupted her.

"Hello Kagura!"

"Oh, hi Shigure," said Kagura, looking away from the other boy. At least Shigure looked normal. He was wearing his usual clothes, and was typing something at his computer.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in," Shigure apologized. "I guess all those noises upstairs had me distracted."

"What noises?" Kagura asked.

"GOD, HARDER HATORI!"

"Those," Shigure stated.

Kagura blinked and looked up the stairs where the noise had come from. Unless she was greatly mistaken, that had been Kyo's voice. Her heart fluttered slightly at the thought of her orange haired love, but her confusion was the more prominent emotion. What did he mean by harder…?

"Shigure?" Kagura asked. "I don't mean to pry, but do you know what Haru's doing? He's acting rather odd. I mean, not wearing anything and all."

"Hmm." Shigure looked up from his computer to look at Kagura for a moment with a very serious expression. "Last I looked, he and Hatori were making a Kyo sandwich up in Tohru's room."

Kagura blinked. Despite the fact that she had already graduated from high school and was now in college, she really did have a very innocent mind, so she had no idea what Shigure was talking about. What did he mean by a Kyo sandwich? The only image that came to mind was an orange cat wedged between two pieces of bread… Something told her that wasn't exactly what Haru and Hatori were doing.

"If you must know, I suppose you can go upstairs and take a look for yourselves," Shigure suggested.

The grin on his face was slightly disconcerting, but since he didn't seem to want to give any clear answers, Kagura decided it wouldn't hurt just to go see what the three men were doing. So she skipped up the stairs and opened the door to Tohru's room.

And then she screamed.

What she saw was ultimately the most horrifying scene she had ever witnessed in her entire life. Although it could have easily turned even the straightest men gay, or at least make most people extremely horny, Kagura was furious.

There, on the floor, was Kyo wedged between Hatori and Haru, all three of them completely naked and apparently hadn't noticed Kagura enter the room. Hatori was positioned behind Kyo, and he was… he was… in…

Kagura's scream jumped up two octaves.

Haru meanwhile was in front of Kyo, and was slowly licking the whipped cream he had just gotten out of the refrigerator off of Kyo's hard and throbbing…

Kagura's scream was so loud the window shattered.

Smack dab in the middle of all the action was her darling Kyo. If he had been struggling or showing some sign that he did not want all this attention, Kagura probably wouldn't have been nearly as furious, and would have simply killed Haru and Hatori on the spot to save her precious husband-to-be. But to her horror, Kyo was clearly enjoying what was happening to him, even though his hands were handcuffed together above his head. His eyes were closed, and his sensual moans filled the entire room (as well as the rest of the house). Yes, he, along with the other two men, was definitely enjoying this.

Kagura was not enjoying this one bit.

_How DARE he do this?!_ She screamed in her mind, too angry to move or shout. _Why didn't he tell me he was gay?! I am going to KILL him! I can't believe he would actually do this! Fine, if he cheated on me once I could forgive that, but not if it was with a guy! And especially not if he cheated on me with TWO guys! Two guys who happen to be his cousins! Damn you, Kyo! I am going to KILL you!_

There was a sudden shift in the winds, and something seemed to clunk into place in the minds of the three men on the floor.

They blinked in unison.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kyo screamed and immediately jumped up. He looked wildly around the room, desperately hoping for some sign that none of this was actually happening, that was just writhing in sheer pleasure between Hatori and Haru on the floor…

"Kyo," Haru pointed out. "You have whipped cream on your-"

"SHUT UP!" Kyo screamed, and stormed out of the room. The sound of the shower could be heard from the next room. "AND NOBODY COME IN HERE, I'M TAKING THIS SHOWER _ALONE_! YOU HEAR ME?! _ALONE_!"

Kagura blinked. "What just happened?"

Hatori, who was already dressed (though his clothes were noticeably wrinkled), sighed and explained, "We got this virus, Kagura, which basically turned us into horny gay men." Cool and composed as he was desperately trying to act, the blush on his face was undeniable.

"Did I hear correctly?" Shigure asked, poking his head into the room. "You've been cured?"

"Yes," Hatori answered curtly. "My theory, and my theories are typically correct, is that when Kagura walked in and saw…" Hatori blushed. "Anyway, when Kagura walked in, she had extremely strong anti-yaoi emotions that cured the disease… and… yeah."

"So I cured the disease?" Kagura asked happily, already having forgiven Kyo.

"Yes, I believe so," Hatori sighed.

"And," Shigure added, "You also saved Kyo from being fucked by Hatori for the twelfth time tod-"

SMACK!

"One more word, Shigure, and you will die, understand?" Hatori growled.

Shigure grinned, ignoring the red mark on his face. "That's okay, I don't really need to say anymore anyway, because everything's in my book that I just gave to my editor for publish-"

CRASH!

Haru looked up to find a Shigure shaped hole in the ceiling.

There was another crash and Shigure tumbled back down into the room.

"Hari, I lied, it was a joke!" Shigure cried. "I didn't really give it to my editor yet, I just finished it a few seconds ago, it's all still on the computer-"

"Delete it all," Hatori ordered, several veins pulsing over his face. "Or I will burn it for you, and then burn you along with it."

Tears streamed down Shigure's face as he choked, "But… all my hard work… I can't just delete it all…"

"You could just delete the parts with Hatori in it," Haru suggested. "And then publish the rest."

"That'll still have you in it, Haru," Hatori noted.

Haru shrugged and sprayed the remaining whipped cream in his mouth.

"DAMMIT, KAGURA, GET OUT OF THE SHOWER! AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! I AM NOT HAVING ANYMORE SEX TODAY, EVEN IF IT IS WITH A GIRL!"

"Awww, but Kyooooo…"

There was the sound of a brief scuffle, and then Kyo stormed back into the room, still wet, but at least fully clothed for the first time in several days. He also was noticeably limping. Kagura followed shortly after, looking slightly disappointed.

"Well then," Hatori said, attempting to smooth out the wrinkles in his shirt, "I'll be leaving now, since there really is no need for me to stay."

"Are you sure you don't want to stay the night?" Shigure offered. "You must be tired after all that… _work_…"

"No, that's fine," Hatori hissed.

"It's really no trouble!" Shigure said. "You could sleep in Kyo's room, although I'm not sure what happened to our spare futon, so you'd have to share a bed with him."

SMACK!

"Owwww, that was meeeaaaan," Shigure whined.

Hatori glared at the dog one final time before storming out of the house. He too had a slight limp. Shigure giggled.

"You wouldn't mind if I stayed the night, would you?" Haru asked. "I'd be happy to share a bed with Kyo," he added, snaking an arm around the cat's waist.

There was a crash and then a Haru shaped hole joined Shigure's imprint in the ceiling.

"HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?" Kyo screeched after Haru fell back down into the room. "YOU SICK DISGUSTING COW! AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

"Yes, master."

Kyo choked, then stormed back out of the room, followed by a giggling Kagura.

"You wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes I could borrow, would you?" Haru asked Shigure. "Kyo destroyed mine in the blender."

---------------------------------------------

"We're home!" Tohru called, carrying a bag full of groceries.

Yuki cautiously entered the house, bracing himself for an attack. Surprisingly, none came.

"Oh, hi Kyo!" said Tohru.

Yuki looked up and was surprised to see Kyo wearing clothes for once. As soon as Kyo saw Yuki, however, he screamed and ran in the opposite direction.

"Does… Does this mean that they've been cured?" Tohru asked hopefully.

"I guess so…" Yuki said. For some reason he didn't feel as relieved as he thought he would have. Odd. He passed by Shigure's office and heard the dog talking.

"There! I just emailed my story about you three to my editor!" Shigure's said happily, his voice traveling through the door.

"You do know that Kyo and Hatori are both going to kill you, right?" came Haru's voice.

Shigure only giggled.

Yuki sighed and opened the door. There was Shigure, hyper as always, bouncing up and down in excitement. Haru was lying on his back, reading some book and wearing one of Shigure's robes.

Yuki was about to close the door and leave when he did a double take.

_Since when has Shigure been such a sexy beast?_

---------------------------------------------

_Fin_


End file.
